May says time is not right for Scots Gnats

Nicola Sturgeon with Theresa May on the PM’s day-trip to Scotland

UK prime minister Theresa May today declared that it was too early for Scots gnats to appear.  Speaking through her mouth in Edinburgh, Mrs May said: “We have only just changed to British Summer Time and the weather is still a bit cold. It is too early for gnats to appear or any sort of flying insect such as midges.”

A spokesman for the prime minister later denied that she had been referring to Scottish first minister Nicola Sturgeon, who is 5 foot 4 inches tall. Mrs May, who is 5 foot 8 inches said things would have to get hotter before the Scots gnats would make an appearance.

Ms Sturgeon responded by telling the prime minster: “As things are going now, it won’t be long before come to boiling point.”

Commissioner tells gardai to wash their mouths out

Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan orders dental clean up

Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has called on members of the Garda Siochana to brush their teeth at least twice a day. Commission O’Sullivan was reacting to report that members of the service were failing breath tests on a regular basis.

“The Irish public has the right not to have a blast of halitosis in their faces when they approach an officer to ask the time or the way to St Stephen’s Green,” she told a meeting of senior Gardai officers.

But a spokesman for the Garda Representative Association (GRA) claimed that Commissioner O’Sullivan was over-stepping the mark when she commented on Gardai’s personal oral hygiene.

“She has no right to criticise orally my members oral technique,” said a GRA spokesman through gritted but rotting teeth. “Beside abscess makes the heart beat faster.”

“From next month, all gardai will expected to show up for work with their teeth properly brushed and their breath smelling fresh,” O’Sullivan told the meeting. “Gardai with bad breath may well blow their jobs.”

A speaker from the floor asked the Commissioner what action they were expected to take with officers who have false teeth.

“Any officer found with forged teeth will be charged under the Criminal Justice (Theft and Fraud Offences) Act 2001.

“Furthermore, any Garda station found to be accepted false teeth handed in by members of the public claiming they are lost property will be censured,” she said.

“Did you say dentured, minister?” asked a reporter from RTE with hearing difficulties.

Meanwhile Minister for Justice Frances Fitzgerald said her department would be issuing a booklet to all Garda officers about the need to regular brushing and flossing. The book is to be published by An Gúm.



Brexit Bill to undertake European tour

Solo artist Brexit Bill is to undertake his first continental tour in 2019 when his contract with the 28-piece band The Europeans comes to an end.

With his contract due to run out in two years time, Brexit Bill said: “It is time for me to go it alone. It worked for Robbie Williams, Diana Ross and Frankie Valli, so I think it’ll work for me.

“They all started as part of a group but soon discovered that they could so much further as a solo act.”

Starting as a solo artist will no be all smooth sailing for Brexit Bill.

“I don’t actually intend to do much sailing or flying in the future. I’ll be keeping myself to myself.”

Among the hurdles Brexit Bill will have to climb perhaps the hardest will be how he leaves the group and still remains friends with the other members.  In the past he has argued and fought with some of them.

At several times in history the animosity between Brexit Bill and the other members of the band was so bad that it was described as a war.

Asked if his name had any special meaning, Brexit Bill said: “Brexit means Brexit.”